no more pain please

I haven't entered any commitment since I and my first boyfriend broke up three years ago. Nearing four years actually – just five months from now. Meaning to say, I ain't that thirsty of love, except the fact that I had some flings and the last one was nine months earlier.

I just feel like talking about love this time. Guess it. Yep! I am in love or perhaps, I believe I am. And take note, the guy involve has this instinct.

My friends do not believe I could stay single that long. But how can I trust myself to have one anyway if men themselves already gave me reasons to play safe instead? It's a lie though if I am going to say I don't want one. I admit, been waiting for the one. And here I go again. I had this best guy friend once. Best guy friend I say for I returned the title he used to call me. I really don't think it was meant more than an endearment albeit he insisted I really was his closest and best friend. We became an item for less than a day. The night we took our friendship to this level, I told him to prove he's changed, that he no longer thought of taking advantage of me, that he would not stir and confound my feelings to get what he wanted – guys nature and you know what I am saying boy – so we could take it seriously and longer. Not to my disappointment somehow for I wished to rid myself of the possible harm, the next day, he decided that we would be better off to remain friends. Of course, no doubt for that. Besides, we acted like more than friends even before he forced me to admit what I really felt for him, when we were still starting our sweet extraordinary affair, we put in our minds the word "friends" and we were no more than that.

He could kiss me and I would gladly welcome it. We would snuggle when we slept together. We would eat in a plate, one fork and spoon, one glass. He would say his concern before we'd apart. He gave me chocolates (and I still keep the wrappers), but not as gifts, he shared me his ferrero rochers and hersheys. He entertained me pretty well whenever I visited him. Well, those natural acts of lovers but we were really just friends. Another sign that we couldn't be lovers was that he never visited me at home.

I remember the day I first laid my eyes on him. He was the first to recognize me then he approached me. And this Jay guy who bridged me to him, introduced us to each other. He was in red t-shirt, matched with faded pants that really suited his aura. Fair-skinned, slightly chubby, dying eyes. And my eyes diverted to his feet. It was a wow! Nice shape of feet and clean toenails which mostly attract me. Almost perfect....to my taste. He's five feet four inches. If he were tall, then a man I surely courted. Just fibbing!

Then as months passed, our friendship went deeper. Until we entrusted our secrets to each other. We even endowed each other the right to become jealous. Being a smart ass I was, I never intended to show him any sign of jealousy. And him, being the sweetest creation I ever experienced of having, would turn quiet and all the signs whenever I started talking about different guys; which was one of the things I loved about him. He would sneak a kiss on my nape or my cheeks whenever he was certain it could make me smile.

A bitter reality to accept was that he has fallen for someone. Someone he chose over me. And all the sweetness deteriorated. The friendship ruined. All the promises left broken.

Too many memories of him but it's all I can manage to share with you guys.

One point of sharing this one is that I believe he's my real first love. The one who felt what I felt. The one I fell for because of how far our friendship went and how long I have known him.

And for my current predicament, another him just knocked at my door. I am still unwilling to accept anyone in. and I really try hard not to entertain my feelings for him.

I want him, I like him, and he says, he has had this instinct that I feel love for him. I don't want any more pain. Too stupid I am to commit another mistake.

How can I shield my vulnerability?