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"In order to grow up, I have to let myself learn." I have always thought. For as far as I have observed, it's really our eagerness to gain maturity that matters. If only we choose to live with the right track, we'll have the life we aspire for. That is if we can muster enough courage and determination along with "doing". We should always be willing to take risks, make our hands dirty and suffer a little bit – the essence of living.

See? I'm not only into making fun, I also know lessons from my experiences. Yes! After such downfall or tests, I can always be able to get its moral lesson. But how come that I cannot make it into practice?

To finish a degree and have my diploma is what I have learned from being away in school for three years. Yes! It's then when I realized my topmost wants in life – I want to have a place in this ever-changing world. After five years of struggling in education, after a tough and thorough learning process, I wanna make my parents proud of me and if that happens, it'll be my turn to pay back all the efforts, sacrifices and sweats they had let come out and continually doing for me.

I know I ain't a good daughter but I love them. And though I can't show them in any way, I feel love for them. Although I have not told them the words I love you, my dreams are formed which I wanna present them in the long run. But darn! This is me. I always take things easily. I take my studies too easily. I hate sitting in a corner and read several chapters of educational books just to gain knowledge. I hate memorization! I like application much compared to it. And damn! Memorization has been inevitable since primary level of school. I simply avoid it and rely on my "stocked knowledge" about a certain subject. Why would I spoil time with such things I hate of doing? Mind you, I have thought of it million times and the answer? IT'S NOT ALWAYS WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I'VE GOT. I cannot avoid those college stuffs and I cannot choose my own ways of passing tertiary level. Be damned! I really can do just nothing.

Well, I have said so much. Ha-ha!

I always get the lowest score in my Philosophy 18 subject. As expected anyway for I don't give a damn in reading and memorizing the whole bible. But no way I'll let it fail in the finals. Even in my other subjects, I attend my classes but do not comply with the expectations of our professors as "block A" class – if you see our class, you'll observe my classmates reviewing every lessons we have tackled in the previous meetings, that's it!

How can really I force myself to become a wide-reader? There must be missing.:(

I feel undeserving of all the supports from my brother who shoulders my educational finances.

Ganun talaga eh. Mula't mula pa, tamad na ako mag-aral. At di naman sa pagyayabang. Kahit tamad ako mag-aral, di ako bumabagsak, yun ang importante sa'ken. Kaso ngayong kolehiyo na 'ko, my grading cut-off. 82 para sa minor subjects and 84 for the major ones. At di naman pwedeng ganun ganun lang pag sa major kasi kumplikado at mahirap din talagang intindihin. Hayun! At ang isa pa, they expect me to be in top of the class eh bob-ang naman ako. Di ako gaya ng mga kapatid kong matalino. Iniisp tuloy ng iba, mga kaibigan ko, ikinukumpara ko ang sarili ko, sa mga kapatid ko. Of course I don't! Matatalino sila at proud ako. Ang problema, they seem to expect that I'll trancend in any field of learning – gaya nila! Gaya nila. Pero yun nga ang totoo, hindi ako matalino gaya nila. Hay! Yun naman eh...

eto pa, ang galing ko din mag-pretend. Aaminin ko na ngayon, at dito pa. Hindi naman totoong inspired ako. Di totoong nakahanap ako ng motivation through THEM.

Alam ko, may makaka-relate din sa mga sinabi at sinasabi ko. Eto talaga ang mahirap eh. Mula't mula pa, IYON ang kulang, alam ko. Mula't mula pa, IYON ang hinahangad ko. Kaya nga iyakin ako pagdating sa kanila eh. Pero ganu man ako kamanhid, mas amnhid pala sila. Sila lang naman ang kailangan ko. :((