Badtrip! sayang!:)

Nakakainis lang ng sobra-sobra. May isang lalake kasi na "ex" ko daw pero hindi naman, pa-comment comment sa facebook status ko, sobra sobrang nakakaasar lang talaga. As in, sirang-sira araw ko kahapon at ngayon dahil sa mga papansin niyang comment. Hay! Yun talaga ang nakakainis sa mga taong barbaric eh. UU. Barbaric talaga na masahol pa tala sa taong kalye na walang pinag-aralan o di alam gamitin ang pinag-aralan. Parang di tinuruan ng moral lesson ng kung sinumang pwede magturo pero alanagan namang ako ang magturo eh mas matranda siya sa'ken. Grr.. Sarap magmura, andito lang sa harap ko yun, kanina ko pa pinagmumura. Masahol pa sa babaeng nagpapapansin sa lalakeng kinahuhumalingan. Haha. Exaggerated. Pero ganun kasi ang impact sa'kin ng ginagawa niya, wala naman akong balak magpapansin sa kanya, wala akong balak pakialaman ang buhay niya pero siya tong nang-aasar na para bang hindi aware na nkakaburaot na siya.. Hindi yata marunong makiramdam. Anu ba kasiang tamang panawag sa ganung klase ng tao?? Whew! Ako naman, sa sobrang badtrip, dito ko na sa blog naisipang ibuhos ang pagkaasar. Kung yaka ko lang siguro ipa-salvage yun, di talaga ako magdadalawang isip gawin. Nakakairita masyado eh. Isa siyang halimaw, unggoy, urangutan, ape. At kung anu ano pang kaparehong mukha! Di din obvious kung ganu ako naasar nu?

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For an update, I have decided to cut my communication to the man I just met last Sunday for I think, I am not into the game he wants. Ayun! Guys nature, you know it men out there. I am dead interested with him pero ayun nga, ayoko ng ganun. I can't give him what he wants. Naintindihan ko namang ganun ang gusto niya kaya di ko inaway na alam kong gagawin ng ibang babae kung ganung pagtrato ang ipapakita sa kanila ng lalake. Ang saklap nga lang na siya na mismo ang angsabing inosenteng inosente ang dating ko. Tipong ilang beses pa tinanong kung nagka-boyfriend na ba talaga ako. Sa itsura siguro, mayuming suplada. Pero ganun pa rin, he still wanted to go on for the pleasure he is looking for. Sorry siya, I really won't give in for such affair. Saklap din talaga ng mundong ito, punung-puno ng kalalakihang ganun ang pag-uugali. Masyado matakaw sa makalamang pangangailangan. Tama naman diba? Maraming ganoon. Feeling ko nga may kulang sa mga taong ganun. Malamang, kulang sa pagkaing espirituwal pero wis ko feel mangaral dito sa blog. Ang masasabi ko, we all have our own unique ways of learning at ako, natuto namang sa bagay na to. Natuto akong umiwas ng lalakeng "iba" ang hinahangad sa'kin. Sayang nga lang, pasadong pasado talaga siya sa taste ko – five to ten years ahead sa'kin, edukado, as much as possible, may stable job na, at yun nga siya. Bakit ko ba naman kasi patatagalin ang" friendship" ko sa mga taong kagaya niya? Hindi ba pagsasayang ng oras yun? Buti pa 'tong blog, kahit di masagot ang marami kong katanugan, natutulungan akong pagaanin ang loob ko.

Tanungan

Well, for an update, I met up with a chat-mate yesterday.
Err...And honestly, I partly admire him and partly cannot appreciate...for many reasons.
One thing is for sure, he is indeed a very good catch...but though I feel like talking about him for now, I prefer not to take anything about him seriously. (kuha niyo na siguro kung bakit).
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Sinagot ko na lang tong mga tanong na di naman intriguing, tinag kasi ako ni ate lolavie.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
*being contented of what we can have and having no worries for anything..:)
2. What is your greatest fear?
*ghost, although i never experienced seeing one..haha
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
*being vulnerable when it comes to relationship with opposite sex and being easily influenced..
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
*their insecurity towards others
5. What is your greatest extravagance?
*sa ngayon? pants..pero konte pa lang naman nabibili ko..
6. What do you consider as the most overrated virtue?
*fear of God (hihi)..gaya gaya ke ate lolavie
7. On what occasion do you lie?
*birthday. wahaha!!! fibbing..
       ....siguro kung ramdam kong nagsisinugaling din kausap ko..:)
8. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
*height and scars
9. Which living person do you most despise?
*mga insecure at tsismosa! grr.. nakakaawa lang dahil wala silang magawa sa buhay..:))
10. What is the quality you most like in a man?
*intelihente..
11. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
*true to herself
12. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
*"syet!"
13. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
*siya..wag niyo na alamin pwede?
14. When and where were you happiest?
*wala ako maalala..
15. Which talent would you most like to have?
*singing, dancing, drawing, cooking, lahat lahat eh..haha
16. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?
*height..kasiiii, di naman sa pagyayabang, "maraming maiinggit kung matangkad ka pa" sabi ng maraming kababaihan..:)
17. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
*meron ba ako nun? haha! siguro, siguro, ang agiging totoong tao ko sa lahat ng pagkakataon..achievement yun men..:))
18. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
*a rich, tall and more mature me..:)
19. Where would you most like to live?
*sa puso ng mahal ko na mahal din ako.. haha! kurni naman..
   ....seriously, sa sarili kong bahay na malayo sa kabihasnan at mga pangit na bagay! haha
20. What is your most treasured possession?
*my eyes, pag-aari ko to..haha
21. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
*death of people I love (yan na ding sagot ni ate lolavie)
22. What is your favorite occupation?
*occupation as in????
23. What is your most marked characteristic?
*being candid
24. What do you most value in your friends?
*i value everything about them..and yes, even their flaws for those are the things and reality about them that help me reflect on a certain thing and that help me grow-up..:)
25. Who are your favorite writers?
*john grisham
26. Who is your hero of fiction?
*wala..none
27. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
*kaw, sino?
28. Who are your heroes in real life?
*my brother
29. What are your favorite names?
*renz, pen
30. What is it that you most dislike?
*taong insecure, ang kulit ng mga tanong..
31. What is your greatest regret?
*can't say it here..:C
32. How would you like to die?
*silently.. and painlessly
33. What is your motto?
*"you have your brush and colors, and then in, you go.."


                 __________________________________
sa totoo lang, di ako makapag-isip kung sino ang ita-tag ko..

etong mga to na lang,

Jool

Inkblots

Denise..

have a good day!:)

Random nonsense..:)

My stomach seem to explode! Wee! I dunno why in hell I suddenly got this indisposed but hell sure, I don't feel like going to the CR to release "sama ng loob". Ha ha. It's damn painful. As usual, though this thing isn't usual, I again have too many complaints in my daily living. For this day, waking up too early even when my system has not yet fully rested from yesterday's tiring activities, being exposed to a research work (at this point of my college life?? Duhh!!), and my everyday life's twin which is being so nonsensical in everything I do, to mention some. I really ain't committed in every task I am assigned to work with. My life's twin indeed – walking without motivation, direction – a master and captain without any plan. I really have stopped planning for any thing. Not even for an hour activity. This is so bad.

Back in 2008, when I stayed at my tita's house in Fairview, Quezon City, I had always wished of going back to school and continue pursuing my chosen field. I had always told myself that no matter how hard our life may be, everything will be alright. I had promised myself to study hard as a stepping stone in going to the finish line of my endeavor. I always reminisced what I did in 2007 when I was still studying at Northeastern College – doing accounting stuffs, the debit-credit rule and everything about it which I hardly understood back then, and oh, those things that are still confusing for me up to now. I don't think it depends on how young or old a student for her/him to attain wider comprehension. And neither I would think that experience entails higher understanding in the course. Well, I mean it's kind of my second take of the course now but nothing has changed, after a classroom discussion, i still get to read the topic many times (which I actually neglect to do).

And to be true to myself for the time being, i miss having someone as sweet as Micky but not someone like him who is full of pretensions. I wish for someone who can be true to me. True explains everything i want in a man-woman relationship. i want one who doesn't see his relationship with me as a gamble to be played along safely in order for him to dump me when already finds another. someone who would lovingly build his own dreams with me and everything a girl wishes his man would be like. i want to give emphasis to this last line,

I want one who doesn't think of purely satisfying his carnal desire through me.

Pressure

PRESSURE...

Sobra sobrang nakaka-pressure..
Medyo napawi lang nang pagpasok ko sa gate, may pagkahaba-habang sinambit ang giwardiya pero and naintindihan ko lang, "good afternoon" na siyang pinakahuling sinabi niya. Haha! Wala lang. Of all the guards, siya ang unang bumati sa'kin nun.

Pero marami pa talaga akong gagawin.. Over ako sa pagmamadaling kumain kanina para makapag-log in dito sa Apo Pilo internet library. Hayun nga lang at naisipan ko pa talagang isingit mag-blog. To lessen the worries rushing in my system.

At eto pa, nakakaasar nga naman talaga. Parang patapon na section ang klase namin ng Accounting. Akalain mo, twice nang napalitan ang propesor namin. Meaning, pangatlo na yung ngayon. Problema nga naman. Parehong first time sa teaching field and dalawang humawak sa'min -- the previous and the current ones. Hopeful pa man din kami ng mga kaklase ko na bumalik yung unang humawak sa'min na ayon sa mga higher years, siyang pinakamagaling na tagapagturo ng accounting 1. O kahit yung si Dean na sana. haha..

Itatransfer ko pa yung mga journal entry kong nasa columnar notebook ko sa two-column journal. Assignment kasi yun (to be passed ata).

Isisingit ko na lang habang nasa klase ngayong 1 hanggang 5:30.:)

no more pain please

I haven't entered any commitment since I and my first boyfriend broke up three years ago. Nearing four years actually – just five months from now. Meaning to say, I ain't that thirsty of love, except the fact that I had some flings and the last one was nine months earlier.

I just feel like talking about love this time. Guess it. Yep! I am in love or perhaps, I believe I am. And take note, the guy involve has this instinct.

My friends do not believe I could stay single that long. But how can I trust myself to have one anyway if men themselves already gave me reasons to play safe instead? It's a lie though if I am going to say I don't want one. I admit, been waiting for the one. And here I go again. I had this best guy friend once. Best guy friend I say for I returned the title he used to call me. I really don't think it was meant more than an endearment albeit he insisted I really was his closest and best friend. We became an item for less than a day. The night we took our friendship to this level, I told him to prove he's changed, that he no longer thought of taking advantage of me, that he would not stir and confound my feelings to get what he wanted – guys nature and you know what I am saying boy – so we could take it seriously and longer. Not to my disappointment somehow for I wished to rid myself of the possible harm, the next day, he decided that we would be better off to remain friends. Of course, no doubt for that. Besides, we acted like more than friends even before he forced me to admit what I really felt for him, when we were still starting our sweet extraordinary affair, we put in our minds the word "friends" and we were no more than that.

He could kiss me and I would gladly welcome it. We would snuggle when we slept together. We would eat in a plate, one fork and spoon, one glass. He would say his concern before we'd apart. He gave me chocolates (and I still keep the wrappers), but not as gifts, he shared me his ferrero rochers and hersheys. He entertained me pretty well whenever I visited him. Well, those natural acts of lovers but we were really just friends. Another sign that we couldn't be lovers was that he never visited me at home.

I remember the day I first laid my eyes on him. He was the first to recognize me then he approached me. And this Jay guy who bridged me to him, introduced us to each other. He was in red t-shirt, matched with faded pants that really suited his aura. Fair-skinned, slightly chubby, dying eyes. And my eyes diverted to his feet. It was a wow! Nice shape of feet and clean toenails which mostly attract me. Almost perfect....to my taste. He's five feet four inches. If he were tall, then a man I surely courted. Just fibbing!

Then as months passed, our friendship went deeper. Until we entrusted our secrets to each other. We even endowed each other the right to become jealous. Being a smart ass I was, I never intended to show him any sign of jealousy. And him, being the sweetest creation I ever experienced of having, would turn quiet and all the signs whenever I started talking about different guys; which was one of the things I loved about him. He would sneak a kiss on my nape or my cheeks whenever he was certain it could make me smile.

A bitter reality to accept was that he has fallen for someone. Someone he chose over me. And all the sweetness deteriorated. The friendship ruined. All the promises left broken.

Too many memories of him but it's all I can manage to share with you guys.

One point of sharing this one is that I believe he's my real first love. The one who felt what I felt. The one I fell for because of how far our friendship went and how long I have known him.

And for my current predicament, another him just knocked at my door. I am still unwilling to accept anyone in. and I really try hard not to entertain my feelings for him.

I want him, I like him, and he says, he has had this instinct that I feel love for him. I don't want any more pain. Too stupid I am to commit another mistake.

How can I shield my vulnerability?

emote

"In order to grow up, I have to let myself learn." I have always thought. For as far as I have observed, it's really our eagerness to gain maturity that matters. If only we choose to live with the right track, we'll have the life we aspire for. That is if we can muster enough courage and determination along with "doing". We should always be willing to take risks, make our hands dirty and suffer a little bit – the essence of living.

See? I'm not only into making fun, I also know lessons from my experiences. Yes! After such downfall or tests, I can always be able to get its moral lesson. But how come that I cannot make it into practice?

To finish a degree and have my diploma is what I have learned from being away in school for three years. Yes! It's then when I realized my topmost wants in life – I want to have a place in this ever-changing world. After five years of struggling in education, after a tough and thorough learning process, I wanna make my parents proud of me and if that happens, it'll be my turn to pay back all the efforts, sacrifices and sweats they had let come out and continually doing for me.

I know I ain't a good daughter but I love them. And though I can't show them in any way, I feel love for them. Although I have not told them the words I love you, my dreams are formed which I wanna present them in the long run. But darn! This is me. I always take things easily. I take my studies too easily. I hate sitting in a corner and read several chapters of educational books just to gain knowledge. I hate memorization! I like application much compared to it. And damn! Memorization has been inevitable since primary level of school. I simply avoid it and rely on my "stocked knowledge" about a certain subject. Why would I spoil time with such things I hate of doing? Mind you, I have thought of it million times and the answer? IT'S NOT ALWAYS WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I'VE GOT. I cannot avoid those college stuffs and I cannot choose my own ways of passing tertiary level. Be damned! I really can do just nothing.

Well, I have said so much. Ha-ha!

I always get the lowest score in my Philosophy 18 subject. As expected anyway for I don't give a damn in reading and memorizing the whole bible. But no way I'll let it fail in the finals. Even in my other subjects, I attend my classes but do not comply with the expectations of our professors as "block A" class – if you see our class, you'll observe my classmates reviewing every lessons we have tackled in the previous meetings, that's it!

How can really I force myself to become a wide-reader? There must be missing.:(

I feel undeserving of all the supports from my brother who shoulders my educational finances.

Ganun talaga eh. Mula't mula pa, tamad na ako mag-aral. At di naman sa pagyayabang. Kahit tamad ako mag-aral, di ako bumabagsak, yun ang importante sa'ken. Kaso ngayong kolehiyo na 'ko, my grading cut-off. 82 para sa minor subjects and 84 for the major ones. At di naman pwedeng ganun ganun lang pag sa major kasi kumplikado at mahirap din talagang intindihin. Hayun! At ang isa pa, they expect me to be in top of the class eh bob-ang naman ako. Di ako gaya ng mga kapatid kong matalino. Iniisp tuloy ng iba, mga kaibigan ko, ikinukumpara ko ang sarili ko, sa mga kapatid ko. Of course I don't! Matatalino sila at proud ako. Ang problema, they seem to expect that I'll trancend in any field of learning – gaya nila! Gaya nila. Pero yun nga ang totoo, hindi ako matalino gaya nila. Hay! Yun naman eh...

eto pa, ang galing ko din mag-pretend. Aaminin ko na ngayon, at dito pa. Hindi naman totoong inspired ako. Di totoong nakahanap ako ng motivation through THEM.

Alam ko, may makaka-relate din sa mga sinabi at sinasabi ko. Eto talaga ang mahirap eh. Mula't mula pa, IYON ang kulang, alam ko. Mula't mula pa, IYON ang hinahangad ko. Kaya nga iyakin ako pagdating sa kanila eh. Pero ganu man ako kamanhid, mas amnhid pala sila. Sila lang naman ang kailangan ko. :((