Magbago ka na kasi..

I don't have much to say, and neither do i have something significant in mind right now.
Tomorrow will be the first day of final examination and yet, I haven't began going through my notes as if the lessons are all fresh in my mind. In fact, it's almost right to say that nothing retains in my memory. I dunno what I have to go through first before learning to prioritize my studies. I admit, giving my best never crossed my mind throughout the whole school year. My friend Charly always reminded me but I was such a deaf. I didn't give importance to any of his advices, I still went on with my insignificant stuffs and nonsense routine -- putting unnecessary things first before education. I only thought of getting passing grades instead of high ones. And again, I am rueful about my performance for the whole school year. Imagine, my brother and my parents as well expect much from me but I failed them. If only I did my best, I would have met their expectations. Hay! I feel like I am the worst creation to be deplored in the whole universe. Grr.. Failing in some of my subjects I think would mean losing their trust in me. REPENTANCE ALWAYS COMES LAST!!!!

Advice of a friend is to admit in front of my family all my misdeeds and besides, it's not too late for me to change said he. But you know guys, I think I can't do it. One reason is that, they might upbraid me which is the least thing I would wish to happen.

I am not letting myself learn, I know. I feel like a waste, such a waste!:(

 

at least, i learned

These past weeks have been so tough for me. Lots of angst in life—in education and social as well—can’t say that I have moved on from my emotional stress. For the time being though, I am hopeful that at last, I had made up my mind and trust myself that it’s a decision for my own good. Spectacular approach of life for these past weeks should be ended.
It’s for me anyway. I know me myself make my own life and put it in peril. I don’t usually cry over matters not concerning family issues, but at this point of my life, while I can still clearly reflect on this “F” issue, I feel like crying my heart out. Somehow, I am thankful that not even a single drop comes out. I really cannot believe that I had to encounter this most terrible slip before learning when in fact, I have went through some of its kind back in 2007. Although, I inferior myself now just because of this slip up, I must accept what has been done and learn from it. Looking at the bright side, I must let it entail maturity in my individuality in collective aspect of life. And of course, I should not make it again. Don’t commit a mistake twice, as they put it.
I should thank Him for this wake up call for if it didn’t happen I haven’t yet seen what I have been neglecting. I admit that my relationship to Him have been cold for more than a month now. But has He ever forgotten and forsaken me despite those misdeeds I cannot give up? No. there had been many reminders from Him I just failed to recognize. And when this “F” issue occurred because of my recklessness, He still held me tight and reminded me that no matter what bitterness in this life comes along, He is the one who stays with us. If not because of Him, I might have gone through worse circumstance.


Wanna know what happened?
I got too interested with a man I met back in 2009 in Santiago. He introduced himself as Mr. “V”. Well, he really is a wow. A cum laude graduate of UST, CPA by profession and all that things an ordinary girl like me would go for—except that he is not the handsome face we girls usually look on first. At least, he is neat.


It has been more than a year since then and we never got out of touch. We chatted. Talked over the phone. Chatted. It was a routine. Until such one Wednesday morning, while I was preparing for my warm bath, my cellphone rang and a call from a new unregistered number appeared on screen. I was so curious who it was. A woman who was looking for a board mate spoke from the other line but the name she said doesn’t ring a bell so I said she was calling a wrong number. Out of the blue, she started cursing me. I had no idea of what she was saying. Then when she said, “Nagtext ka sa asawa ko kaninang 4am.” Since I ain’t the kitikitext type, I recalled the few saved numbers on my phone. And boom! I got it. My one and only chatmate who I would naturally suspect in this case for some reasons. Maybe you wonder why I sent message that early this day. I couldn’t find way to bring myself to sleep because of the noise but more of the nuisance this guy I love caused me, I took a quaff but it had no effect.
Perhaps, it’s from the liquor, I couldn’t get a point to respond on the woman’s detestable lines. Instead, I let her say all that shits as an initial reaction of a suspecting wife. And finally, “At least ate, ngayon alam mo na. kung gusto mu tulungan kitang huliin siya sa kalokohan niya……” I lengthily told her. I was able to calm her. Then in just a few minutes of conversation, the atmosphere turned out to be friendly.
I met her in Ilagan, we exchanged stories, we visited her brother’s wife, and I got along well with her “spokening dollar” son. We were like old time friends in our first meeting. I was worn-down from consecutive short travels and deprivation of sleep by then but it was okay as long as I helped the woman.