Who Owns My Heart

Who Owns My Heart

I have had this feeling for more than a year now and I don't want to recognize it as love but infatuation rather. I may be silly to take it as a problem but honestly speaking, dealing with it isn't that easy for me. Sometimes, I tend to lose concentration in the things I must put first--reviewing notes and other school stuffs. I even find myself floating in reverie at times and I can't appreciate it. Maybe I am just being negative to see him in a way he is really not, that he resembles the guys who are used to taking advantage of girls--paranoid--but how would I learn to trust again if in the first place, men, guys like him were the ones to give me reasons not to trust again? In fact, I know the rules and lessons in being in love, I can give advice but how come that I can't act in accordance of the words that come out from my lips?

And the worst of it? I want him to be my last guy. Yes!! You read it right. haha..

Disappointed

Nothing significant comes to my mind.

But trying to grasp what the innermost part of my thinking mind says.

I have been in this state for few days.

I so hate this feeling.

I feel like I have done nothing good for my studies and in all aspects of my being.

Last week, our Accounting professor announced the schedule of our first ever minor exam. We had the exam yesterday. Being so confident, I did not review the lessons we had discussed. And being so inattentive during lectures whatsoever, I wasn't acquainted of the contents of the exam. I thought it was pure analysis—value received and value given away, that kind of thing—I ignored the acronyms mentioned in the lectures and even the statements and facts about accounting. Whew!!! Only to discover that those things I ignored were of majority in the test items.

Then this morning, I crossed path with my former classmate who happened to have checked my test paper, he told me that I got 50 something out of 100 items. Ayun! Kinda' disappointing. But I know that it was the result of my performance in this particular circumstance. Nakaka-frustrate!

You know guys, being out of school for three years was a real challenge. Looking at its positive view, it was the time that I realized the need of going to school, the desire to earn a degree to mention some. But you know, now that I am back to being a student, I feel like I am starting again as a K1, and maybe worse, as growing infant who's taught by a mom. I really hate it! Adjustment? Maybe. It's so hard. Sometimes, I even think that I cannot move on to this predicament anymore. That I will be in this state forever—confused and seems illiterate! I wouldn't want to be like this, but neither would I dream of leaving school again.:(

PS: mamaya ulit... may klase pa ako. Sa fourth floor pa.

I will be Mrs. ______ ..:)

Here in Bayombong again.
Wee!!! We will have quizzes tomorrow. First ever written outputs.
Ayee!!! After a tiring travel from my place to here, I still managed to update my blog.
Hmmm... Just can't get over with this intriguing chain question friends sent to me:


"Someday I wanna be Mrs. ______."


Bilang may pakisamang nilalang at marahil dahil "infatuated" ako ngayon (actually matagal na din), sinagot ko naman. Saya-saya ko kasi inaasahan ko ding interesado siya sa'kin at parang magiging close din kami. Ambisyosang nilalang talaga ako eh. Haha!
Manhid siya. Napakamanhid!!!!
I really WANT him, LIKE him but I ain't sure if I already LOVE him. aha!!
____________________________________________________________________________________


Eto nga pala.


I already have John Grisham's THE PELICAN BRIEF.
It's actually been handed to me by a friend for four months now, I think.

Sa wakas mababasa ko na din. Bale dalawa palang nababasa kong obra ni J. Grisham. Pangatlo to.:)

yesterday...

HIGHER UPS...(at around 8:00)

Last night, there was a meeting convened at the top floor of our boerding house. Our landlady recounted before us the new rules and regulations we must comply with in regards to Saint Mary's University (the school I/we attend) scheme. I honestly don't know how to call it. He-he! Higher ups, I mean some of the university's employees (the dean of women, VP acad actually, and even the university president) make a semestral inspection of all lady marian's dormitory to see if we, students, maintain or adapt the CHSF (clean, healthy, safe and friendly environment) and 4C's, which are included in the mission and vission of the institution.

They also capitulated to us the plans they have set for the coming christmas party. Why higher ups? It was the word for the night. There was this instructor, our landlady's friend, who planned for the christmas party, kept on using the word. Wala lang..:)

FAREWELL....(5:30)

Our Accounting 1 instructor already said hid goodbyes yesterday before he started the lecture. There will be someone from allied bank to take over his schedule to us. Awh! My classmates felt so sad when they heard his farewell. We'll surely miss him. Pero ako naman, ewan ko kung anu nakain ko at jolly na jolly aku that time. I even jested, “Ayaw mu lang yata sa'min Sir eh?” But he kept on talking about our new instructor and mentioned her name. Ako naman si bingi. “Sir lalake ba?” Tapos sabat netong kaklase ko, “Jocelyn nga eh, lalake?” Then “Lalake sana mas maganda.” 'kako. Ayun!!! Bunch of laughter exploded in the whole room. Akala siguro ng mga kaklase ko, naghahanap ako ng wafung propesor. But nah. Mas wala lang talaga akong hiya 'pag lalakeng guro. Pero marahil, nagkataon lang na hindi istrikto yung mga former teachers ko. And it's not to brag up naman, I had always been “Sir's” favorite back in elementary and secondary. Not that may utak ako kasi run-of-the-mill student lang talaga ako pero dahil maingay ako at walang-hiya, di naman tamang sabihing brabo kasi pagdating sa mga competition tameme lang ako. Tama na mga ang pagyayabang.

Seriously, i'll miss Mr. Eduardo Susi, our Accounting 1 instructor. Motivating kasi yung strategy niya sa pagtuturo. If you only witnessed my classmates reactions yesterday, makikita mo talaga sa facial expression nila na malungkot. Imagine, nagfa-fuck-aaktibo ang buong klase in all the exercises under the course eversince. The way he talk, he explains the lesson, mamomotivate ka talaga. We don't feel any sign of boredom pag siya na nagtuturo. Ayoko nga din talagang umalis siya eh pero di ko din naman sinabing ayoko yung papalit sa kanya. He-he! There's something to look forward to. Pero may possibility talaga na magiging unmotivated na naman kami sakaling mapalitan nga si Mr. Susi.

Hopefully

Another tiring school day is over. Just want to share the joy I am in now.

I am so inspired…

Motivated…

Directed…

And it’s a blessing…

I feel so blessed…

We did some accounting stuffs this night and I did my work so enthusiastically. Whether or not what’s happening to me is a miracle, I feel like celebrating for it. I am so happy for this.

I would want to call it a gift which would bring out my strength, faith in what I can do and direct me in my race.

Hopefully, it will be the beginning of serious effort.

Hopefully, I won’t be wrong in my outlooks of this sudden change.

Hopefully, I can’t be wrong in seeing this as an opportunity—opportunity I have to grab, and opportunity that would bring me to success.

I might encounter failures in my way ahead but….

Hopefully, this inception would bring out the best in me.

Hopefully, it is now the answer of my prayers—motivation.

I believe though that in education, it is still best to let yourself learn.

Being in college, we encounter more thorough and harder learning process than what we had witnessed in primary and high school, but letting ourselves become mature in thinking and in doing will be the solution to pass this chapter of our lives.

We may encounter problems, trials and slip-ups in the future, but may those ingredients of life help us grow, stronger and more determined to go on in this earthly journey.

This is all for now.

‘til my next post.

yesterday...

HIGHER UPS...(at around 8:00)

Last night, there was a meeting convened at the top floor of our boerding house. Our landlady recounted before us the new rules and regulations we must comply with in regards to Saint Mary's University (the school I/we attend) scheme. I honestly don't know how to call it. He-he! Higher ups, I mean some of the university's employees (the dean of women, VP acad actually, and even the university president) make a semestral inspection of all lady marian's dormitory to see if we, students, maintain or adapt the CHSF (clean, healthy, safe and friendly environment) and 4C's, which are included in the mission and vission of the institution.

They also capitulated to us the plans they have set for the coming christmas party. Why higher ups? It was the word for the night. There was this instructor, our landlady's friend, who planned for the christmas party, kept on using the word. Wala lang..:)

FAREWELL....(5:30)

Our Accounting 1 instructor already said hid goodbyes yesterday before he started the lecture. There will someone from allied bank to take over his schedule to us. Awh! My classmates felt so sad when they heard his farewell. We'll surely miss him. Pero ako naman, ewan ko kung anu nakain ko at jolly na jolly aku that time. I even jested, “Ayaw mu lang yata sa'min Sir eh?” But he kept on talking about our new instructor and mentioned her name. Ako naman si bingi. “Sir lalake ba?” Tapos sabat netong kaklase ko, “Jocelyn nga eh, lalake?” Then “Lalake sana mas maganda.” 'kako. Ayun!!! Bunch of laughter exploded in the whole room. Akala siguro ng mga kaklase ko, naghahanap ako ng wafung propesor. But nah. Mas wala lang talaga akong hiya 'pag lalakeng guro. Pero marahil, nagkataon lang na hindi istrikto yung mga former teachers ko. And it's not to brag up naman, I had always been “Sir's” favorite back in elementary and secondary. Not that may utak ako kasi run-of-the-mill student lang talaga ako pero dahil maingay ako at walang-hiya, di naman tamang sabihing brabo kasi pagdating sa mga competition tameme lang ako. Tama na mga ang pagyayabang.

Seriously, i'll miss Mr. Eduardo Susi, our Accounting 1 instructor. Motivating kasi yung strategy niya sa pagtuturo. If you only witnessed my classmates reactions yesterday, makikita mo talaga sa facial expression nila na malungkot. Imagine, nagfa-fuck-aaktibo ang buong klase in all the exercises under the course eversince. The way he talk, he explains the lesson, mamomotivate ka talaga. We don't feel any sign of boredom pag siya na nagtuturo. Ayoko nga din talagang umalis siya eh pero di ko din naman sinabing ayoko yung papalit sa kanya. He-he! There's something to look forward to. Pero may possibility talaga na magiging unmotivated na naman kami sakaling mapalitan nga si Mr. Susi.

Feel BLESSED

Just got back to school and went straight here at e-library. Will transfer to Apo Pilo when my time credit is up.

I ain't feeling well. Seems like fever is going to hit me at this point. Wnew!!!

Can't forget the gal I passed by a few minutes back. The stout school girl who was as if examining me from my head to shoes. Shit! naiinis talaga ako. Tignan ko din kaya pataas-pababa.

Ugh..!

Wala akong maisip. School matters really gets on my nerves. So depressing to think of and do too seriously. I am not used to reading educational books but it's a part of being in the School of Accountancy. Mi gulay!!! Kelangang mag-adjust.

Tama na muna ang reklamo...

Yesterday, when I was about to log out my FaceBook account, I remembered to search for our NSTP instructors name for she asked us to add her on our friends' list. When I was done clicking the "add friend" button, I found myself typing another name. My childhood best friend's name--Jessa... Perhaps, still hopelessly hopeful. I dunno if you understand the feeling. Almost gave up searching but I am really eager to know her again. Imagine, been looking for her on the internet for a more than a year now then I unexpectedly found myself searching for her name again yesterday. Pramis!!! Blessing yun. Halos maiyak pa ko. When the result appeared, I told myself "wala talaga". Then there, di ku akalaing di pa rin nagbabago mukha niya after a good 13 years now. Sent her a message pero gang ngayon la pa reply. Anyway, we were best friends (I dunno if she still considers me as one up to now) in the year 1997 when I studied in West Central School in Pangasinan. We parted ways when I asked my parents to bring me back in Quirino, my Mom's place, where I continued my primary education.

There are lots of memories worth looking back to in those times we were together. Iiyak na ako.. ahaha!!

Til here muna. Lapse na credit ko eh.. take care folks!!:)

LOVE OF MY LIFE

I have met this man of my dreams—more than 10years ahead of me who already enjoys his profession as a teacher and in the process of his business venture. We are now four months in our more than friends but less than lovers affair. I remember how contented I once was. Later on, everything turned the way I least expected them to be. The affection slowly faded away, the longing eradicated from my system and simply, the love I once had with him turned out to be something I cannot appreciate anymore. He is the first man who ever let me realize the pain of being untrusted, doubted and even though he exaggerated his negative views about me, he doesn't fail to give me simple thrills from his simple lines of praises. Above all his shows of affection and doubts, he lets me discover myself more. As he once put it, "You have many men. How many f***ed you? You deserve not to be trusted and loved." I am very particular that you bet how I felt upon hearing those words from someone not-so-dear. Yeah! It made me rage in deep flare. But it's not wrong to have doubt for I believe that trusting and believing without any doubt is being blind, blind love for the one we adore. I also reflected on his doubtful line, it's true that I never entered any serious relationship since I had my first, three years earlier and although I can pretend that entering one again is not on my list, I simply cannot deny in myself that I have been waiting for one in this early age. Admittedly, I have had more or less 20out-of-commitment affair with guys ranging from July 2007 up to 2009. I hoped that "THE ONE" could be one of them, I set no qualifications and tried everyone who were halfway of my ideal man. As many of you guess it, those were kind of game. And the loser? It's me. I expected something beyond what circumstances could grant me.

This man I am talking about visibly doesn't trust me, however, he still remains as the man I like—the man in my dreams. All he guaranteed me is the lesson I have learned only from him. That there is a right time for love. Lo9ve can wait. Whatever! But it's the greatest thing I have to thank him.

Well, life really goes this way. Seems unfair but it's where thrills of emotional aspect of life comes from and certainly, we cannot expect it to be the way we want.

PS:

hindi ko pa rin pala talaga kayang mag-open dito ng tungkol sa totoong problema ko..:(

another challenge

School circumstances have been so uncompromising for me or maybe I just have an uncompromising disposition that worth the blame. I keenly bring to mind the hurry-scurry outset of my second semester. I know that I can’t reproach somebody or a thing for being too unprepared during those first three days of school but I hardly make out what I should have done or what I misguidedly done that brought about immense aggravation.

November 2, Tuesday, I was so enthused in making a précis of my Accounting subject as a component of my scheme for this semester but then, my phone beeped. I thought it was just another frivolous text message I frequently receive. It was a note from Sarah, informing me about the start of classes—November 4 which is far from November 15 as what I expected. This handed me pressure for I had to pack my things and travel back to Bayombong at full tilt. My God! I just started off systematizing my plans for school concerns. As anticipated, pressure wrenched my physical and mental verve. Battling with this tricky situation is a serious matter for I know that I should push back and not let my endeavors be outdone.

I recently read a line from a book that emotions are more powerful than excellence (I am a typical student). Interrogating the subject matter, I asked myself, “Would it be possible to fight emotions and let my philosophy in all aspects of life, or at least, for some, overflow?” I am gonna find the answer myself—sort of self-discovery. I am certain that what overpower my intellectuality—especially when it comes to decision-making—are my emotions. I set forth almost everything that satiates my nonsensical indulgences.

To sum it up, it is just one of the challenges of my self-fulfillment and at the same time, self-discovery, for my self-improvement.

Here are the factors I have set up and will try hard to make it a customary to adhere.

o   “Wala ng bukas.” –doing what is must for the now.

o   Study first before anything else. –of course, this rule has an exception. I must put God first before anything else. It would alter my time to blog but it doesn’t matter as long as it will help me reach to where I should be.

o   Take time to read. To become a wide-reader I think is compulsory in the sense of wanting to do well in my chosen line.

o   Meditation. I am the type who spoils much time in mulling over any circumstances. However, there should be time-limit. I’ll do it at least when situation requires it.

Hard-work, perseverance and strength of mind will do!

Oh! I’ll miss everything in this world—FaceBook, blog, networks, everything!

‘Til my next update.

this day

This is such a wonderful day! Wee!!! We had an impromptu speech in our English 1b subject, tapos na ako last week pa, voluntary ang pag-recite and even marked “VERY GOOD” (caps-locked pa talaga nu?). A classmate had pulled out a piece of question that went like, “What is an ideal woman for you?”  After he declaimed, I asked our instructor, “Ma’am, do you believe that an ideal man or woman can be made?” She seemed not to grasp the question so for clarity, “An author said that one can make his or her ideal man or woman.” She threw me another question, “What is your ideal man?” Of course, I am always true even in not-so-serious discussions. I honestly and proudly answered, “Mapute, matalino , matangkad—at least 5’8”, hindi baduy at ayoko ng masyadong seryoso.” Then there’s this Mr. M.M (matangkad at maputi) in the class. Pinapansin ba naman. Tumayo tapos kantyawan, tawanan mga klasmeyts namin. Pero isa lang naman tong nakakatuwang nangyari this day.

Yun lang naman. But here’s one of the changes in my usual routine that I should have started but just planned to begin on Monday.

Darating na kasi yung libro namin next week. Kelangang magbasa-basa so I will have to minimize my time in blogging and in all the stuffs similar to this.

Bale, weekly updates na lang ang gagawin ko.

Heto naman yung wish ko for myself, ang kayaning magseryoso sa pag-aaral..:)